I’m a drummer, a sailor, and a sufferer of eczema. I’m a boxer for the duration of a cross-Canada flight sitting beside a pleasant older woman who started the conversation with a story about the playground scraps her grandchildren had been having. I discuss my failed attempts at culinary excellence and the dangers of dull …
A Fantastic Voyage Adam wants to know about “phases of decomp, assuming [a] cool/cold outdoor setting.” I love a good voyage of discovery through the stages of decomposition. So much so, in fact, that some of my co-workers have dubbed me Ms. Frizzle. (Okay, it’s really because of the hair.) Sadly, this particular question is …
My grandpa’s antique shelf clock sits on my mother’s fireplace mantel. It unnerved me as a child—the glass of its face reflects a golden patina of age that’s slightly oily, perhaps from the smoke of a kerosene lamp. Its hands are filigreed, black. They read seven thirty-nine, always, on spindly and severe Roman numerals. Ante …
Bring the Meteor to the Skeleton Christopher asks, “In modern times, what precautions are taken to ensure that someone is not buried alive?” Very few, I’m afraid. None of our standard caskets come with emergency bells or breathing tubes, and the cement vault or grave liner would impede rescue. For the typical modern burial, the …
Fluid Dynamics What did you get sprayed with tonight? My partner has taken to asking me this after a particularly eventful work week. I’ve mentioned aspiration before—when we suck out fluids and gas out of the visceral organs. We use hydro-aspirators at my embalming center, which have the benefit of not making us scrub drains …
Fever Season In my life, I have rarely been on the cutting edge. Be it fashion, literary trends, or cell phones, I tend to run a bit behind the times. Little did I realize, when I began my first mortuary job in January of 2020, what a fascinating opportunity I was about to have. When …
Stories on Skin Honey and several other people have asked me about the sort of tattoos I see at work. It may seem like a non sequitur, but I have plenty of ink of my own. Sometimes tattoos have practical applications in a mortuary—such as identifying a decedent—but moreso they’re microcosms of art, culture, and …
Everyone Dies Alone Alex expresses curiosity about how bodies are found. When it comes to the details of exactly when your neighbors notice a weird smell, or how long you don’t answer the phone before family and friends grow concerned, I can’t comment—except perhaps to encourage everyone to check in on their loved ones. I’m …
It’s human nature to ascribe gentle euphemisms for horrible things that happen. An animal is put down or crosses the rainbow bridge. A family member hasn’t died, they have passed away or they’re with the Lord now. In the 1700s and 1800s, if you were a sailor who had the ill luck to participate in …
In a Lonely Place A dear friend recently said to me, “You get the thing where enough ‘lonely’ feels like ‘death.’” I’m not sure if it was meant to be a statement or a question, but it doesn’t matter: the answer is yes. Several months ago, a funeral director called me at midnight, asking me—pleading—to …
